Cockney Theo : Part I

For the past 4/5 years, fantasy baseball has been a passion of mine. Instead of scouring the internet for discount codes at online retailers or trawling through facebook at school friends from 7 years ago, I now couldn’t careless about- I now follow pitch counts for bullpens to work out who could be inline for an unlikely save (the most holy of fantasy statistics). My ex-girlfriend would frequently awake to me in bed at 3am following west coast baseball on my phone.

Yes, that error by Odor at second wont be charged to Andrew Cashner and I am still on the hook for the win - I would fist pump under the covers.

The first thing I will do when I sit at my desk in the morning is scout the waiver wire for a starting pitcher for that particular day. At lunch I would sometimes check the weather conditions for a particular game. A wind blowing in at Wrigley? Home runs- forget them.

Hey- it beats looking at the kid I use to sit next to in Geography’s recent proposal or my old PE partners snapchat filter on her cat. I am pretty sure that no one cares Beth. More so, no one less than me.

Our fantasy league has always and will continue to be made up of friends from cricket, my dad, relatives of the aforementioned mentioned and of course Ben. Each year our big annual event is the draft. Location? The Plough pub in Byfleet. Trash talk, lager, trash talk and peanuts are the only things on the menu. And all at a plenty.

Each year we trash talk, draft, monitor our drafted teams through the dog days of summer in the hope of being declared our league champion before our teams are disbanded and we count down the days until we can do it all over again.

With evident time on my hands- this year I have decided to embark on a second fantasy team. A dynasty team. Unlike the usual format team where you draft a team for a season and redrafting a different team the following season, this is where you essentially run your own Major League team. Whoever your players, thats who they are. The only way they change year to year is via trades or by releasing/adding them. The team you draft is the team you have. This includes the 20 minor league slots within your roster.

I wanted a challenge. I wanted to build my own Major League Roster.

Im going to be a cockney Theo Epstein.

The Beginning:

After a few facebook messages in a Fantasy baseball group, I nice man named Chris emailed me saying that he had a vacancy in the ‘Dynasty Dugout Fantasy League’. Official sounding league - I like it.

Chris was quick to state that I would have the second pick in the upcoming draft from all of the players who were drafted in last seasons MLB draft and international signings. Not that my knowledge of middle America high school baseball is any good, but how hard can it be to pick a first baseman from a Kansas high school who hit puberty 5 years to early and crushed 25 homers in 8 games. I was sold.

After swapping various contact details with Chris, downloading GroupMe (An American WhatsApp - certainly not as good) and joining Fantrax- I was in. The proud new general manager, owner, boss, gaffer, bloke in charge, fallguy, whatever you want to call me. Im the guy in charge of the St. Louis Cardinals.

The big reveal. I couldn’t wait to sign into my new fantasy account and see the roster which I was working with.

Urgh. There is a reason I am picking second in the draft. Probably because the guy who managed the Cardinals before me drafted a team like he was picking balls out of a hat. Here it is:


  • Buster Posey (San Francisco Giants)

First Base

  • Logan Morrison (Minnesota Twins)

Second Base

  • Kolten Wong (St.Louis Cardinals)

  • Ronald Torreyes (Minnesota Twins)


  • Trea Turner (Washington Nationals)

Third Base

  • Nicholas Castellanos (Detroit Tigers)


  • Alex Gordon (Kansas City Royals)

  • Adam Frazier (Pittsburgh Pirates)

  • Juan Lagares (New York Mets)

  • Nelson Cruz (Minnesota Twins)

  • Hunter Pence (Free Agent)


  • Dallas Keuchel (SP) - Free Agent

  • Antonio Senzatela (SP) - Colorado Rockies

  • Adam Wainwright (SP) - St Louis Cardinals

  • Amir Garret (RP)- Cincinnatti Reds

  • Cam Bedrosian (RP) - LA Angels

  • Alex Colome (RP) - Chicago White Sox

  • Greg Holland (RP)- Free Agent

  • Austin Pruitt (RP) - Tampa Bay Rays

Minor Leagues:

  • Andrew Knizner (C) - St.Louis Cardinals

  • Brendan McKay (1B) - Tampa Bay Rays

  • Tyler Wade - (2B) - New York Yankees

  • Hunter Dozier (3B) - Kansas City Royals

  • Christian Arroyo (3B) - Tampa Bay Rays

  • Socrates Britos (OF) - Arizona Diamondbacks

  • Tyler O’Neill (OF)- St Louis Cardinals

  • Magnerius Sierra (OF) - Miami Marlins

  • Charlie Tilson (OF) - Chicago White Sox

  • Chance Adams (SP) - New York Yankees

  • Victor Alacantara (RP)- Detroit Tigers

  • Alex Faedo (RP) - Detroit Tigers

  • Alex Lange (RP- Chicago Cubs

  • Dovydas Neverauskas (RP)- Pittsburgh Pirates

  • Drew VerHagen (RP) - Detroit Tigers

Jeez. What a dumpster of a roster.

I am really going to have to channel my inner Harry Redknapp to get anything out of this.

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